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2006 'The Year of the Badger'

All the leaves were brown and the sky was grey, there was only one thing to do on this Winter’s day.




"They're going to come and play football against us, that's for sure”,

stated Big Man about the Squirrels 4th successive appearance at this Cup final (a record only equalled, coincidently, by the Badgers) in the pre-match interview with BBC Spurtnip. And so the Squirrels did.

Inspired by the tragic-fuelled drama of last year’s final, the crowds reached record levels of attendance and had the stadium issued 7 tickets it would have been a certain sell-out. Yet, there was a steely air of inevitability about the result of this game. The Squirrels have remained undisputed champions since the birth of this competition and their most recent victory seemed to have buried the Badgers’ hopes of ever winning into a bottom-less viper pit.

Charity was certainly a sweet theme for this Cup, but no such quality was displayed within the first 2 minutes by the sprightly Macca. With one eye on the cup and another on the goal, he drilled a left-sided corner from Debo into the GOAL! One-nil.





















Was the game already over, had the Badgers capitulated almost immediately? It appeared so with the reigning champions converting imperialistic midfield intentions into Thatcherite attacking actions. There was nothing short of panic in the Badgers’ territory as it dawned on them, whilst gasping for air, that this magnificent Cup incontrovertibly belonged to the Squirrels.

The Badgers, not being able to possess the Cup, could surely only be playing with their hearts for pride and honour. This gumption was shown when Tie-Rack used his noggins to equalize from a left-sided muscular throw-in from Dele. The pegs were, momentarily, level.


















It was the Squirrels’ turn to display the pagan virtue of self-doubt. A panicked clearance from goalkeeper Coo Ed was calmly capitalised by the bespectacled Mens who caressed a left-footed strike into the bottom right-hand corner of the goal. He did little else all game, unlike the prolific Tie-Rack who smashed a Gerrard-esque drive for his second goal.

After creating an impressive lead the Badgers resorted to the long ball game. Unfortunately, no one could find the long ball and they had to make do with the normal sized one instead. Unperturbed, the Badgers increased their lead again as the result of an uncharacteristic display of sloppiness from the opposing captain.

However, class knows not the brothers of fatigue and apathy, as displayed in the 43rd minute when Debo chipped the ball to Macca who then pinged it straight at goal. It took the grit of last year’s Man of the Match Muttab to deny him and Macca’s frustration was noticeable 10 seconds later when he powered the football into his own team-mate’s face. However, it was the dynamic duo’s earlier rhythmical one-two that found success when the Badgers’ captain interpreted his responding meaning of sloppiness with an own-goal.

Dele, at the 40 min mark, had to be reminded that he was playing football and that a sublime 3-point drop kick had not changed the scores and that they still had another 5 minutes to go till half time. Big Man also advised Dele to keep his head over the ball when shooting. Although, asked how one, when kicking a ball, could ever find their head underneath it, Big Man pointed to an Inky Crested Grebe that was procrastinating on Mr. Debenham’s vegetable patch. However, this did not distract the Badgers who rinsed a shot into the back of the sieve-like net for a 5-2 lead just before the oranges and John Smiths break.

There was a sense of déjà vu at half time; surely an inspired comeback was on the cards? There were whispers in the crowds that this puny resistance to defeat did little more than accentuate their hopelessness in light of the superiority of the Squirrels. So, whom were the Badgers trying to deceive?




















Well, this was the 24th December 2006. And The Immanent Will, that pervades and arranges everything, may as well have left its Rough Guide To Destiny in its chinos in a hot wash, as no one could have foreseen the direction that this game was to take in the next 45 minutes.

With the presence of large crowds, and some cheering girls, the second half was nothing less than a battle. This was the Western Suffolk Front and these boys had dug their trenches. And it was with military precision that delivered the consistent double-barrelled challenges that red-lighted Po-Po off the ball throughout the game.

The Squirrels were now intent on the objective ahead. They were champions and champions do not give up. Just ask Daley Thompson or Rhona Martin. And with this in mind Debo slotted home a screamer just after the beginning of the second half. The Squirrels were tired but still focused as displayed when a rebounded Debo shot was capitalised on by P’teh, who true to form, penetrated the box for a sloppy seconds finish. At 5-4 the vainglorious comeback was now a mere formality. Or was it?



















What happened next will be subject to parochial folk lore due to lost video footage, but here is what roughly happened: Some nearby horses on the adjoining road got all huffy (some believe it a Badger conspiracy others that the horses had just been reading the Guardian) and the game was stopped for a short period. This has been mistakenly labelled as the game’s turning point, but it was not, the actual climax was to come.

And at first the supporters believed that this was divine intervention, “Lo, it’s the Hand of God!” cried Mr. Wakeling. But no, it was the hands of Tabio that, effectively, handed the Spurtnip Cup to the Badgers. A late consolation goal did nothing to prevent what this scored penalty created. Well, was this it? Had the Badgers clinched victory? Had they claimed their first ever win, even against all the odds? Yes, yes and yes. At six goals to five, the Badgers were crowned champions! And like a heroic king dying in a granite grey subway, the Squirrels’ reign had come to an end.


















A cold philosopher would suggest that the silos of time were not equipped to store such anomalies or distortions of fate. Yet, this blip of nature is like nothing but the miraculous conception of life. A thing of truth, of unmitigated complexity, that never ceases to baffle the most organised of minds. But, this Cup is greater than victory. It is greater than hand-sewn emblems or sponsored shirts and exists independently of geographical boundaries. For it surpasses all this by a simple thing: the celebration of friendship. And may this continue to steady our respective ships through the uncharted and rough seas of life. For all that we know is that Spurtnip is beauty, beauty Spurtnip - that is, my friends, all that we ever need know.

Quotes of the Match

"On paper you'd say we are a decent side. Unfortunately, we don't play on paper, we play on grass."
Dele’s pre-game assessment of the Badgers


It's gonna be hard for both teams yer know, whether the game lasts for an hour and a half, 90 minutes whatever."
Macca puts his two pence in


Tie-rack: I just can't tell you what this means to me.
Juliet Splodge (The Sunday Spurtnip): What does this mean to you?
Tie-rack: It means a lot to me.
Post-match analysis from the Badgers’ right-winger


"That's the way to take a penalty - whack it as hard as you can. If you don't know where it's going, the keeper won't either!"
Big Man keeps everyone, including himself, guessing


"My eyes got sweaty, the shade started coming, there were pigeons flying around in the stadium and some petulant horses were causing a hullabaloo by the Walnut Cottage Stand. I was focusing on too many other things as I sometimes can do."
P’teh explains his lack of concentration on the big day to The Bury Free Press, which, incidentally, charges for its publication


“You know, I would not have gone out on loan to just any side, it had to be one which plays football."
The Hose’s practical outlook on his time at the Squirrels


“Being goalkeeper? I enjoy it and get a great kick out of it.”
Morley gets more action in the goal


“two words - Squirrels for Cup.”
Pre-match hype from the Squirrel uber-fashionist Garnanzo whose a-la-mode accoutrements have won over the Spring/Summer 2006 season’s catwalks of Milton Keynes and Leamington Spa


“we shall prove ourselves to win The Spurtnip Cup, to ride out the storm of the Squirrels attack, and to outlive the menace of their tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of every Badger on this team.”
A self-important Mens 29 November 2006


"He could open a tin of baked beans with that left foot."
Jazzy Jeff describes the ever-sharp Garnanzo


"I think we deserved the three points."
Po-Po gets confused on the outcome of the victory for the Badgers


"It has always been a must-win game against the Squirrels, but now it becomes even more must-win."
Teach, pre-match, on understating the importance of victory in the face of 3 successive defeats


“I may have been late, but, as I told the ref, I tried to get there as quick as I could.”
Debo on his purposeful tackling of Po-Po


Muttab: "I've worked my nuts off to get here, today."
Sky Sports interviewer: "How are you feeling now?"
Muttab: "My groin’s a bit sore."
Muttab and his reoccurring groin troubles


“I ain’t hippophobic, in fact, I actually kinda like hippopotamuses”
Coo Ed in response media speculation


They’ve been reading too many children’s books!
Replied Hugh Lofting, head Badger physician, to the conspiracy theorists’ belief that the Badgers orchestrated the disruptive horses’ scene






















Spurtnip Cup 2006.


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