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2004 'The Forgotten Final'

Taken from The Guardian:

Trent Duvall
Sunday December 26, 2004


After the tidal waves of shock defeat had hit the Badgers in their mouths whilst they were scoffing down their favourite roast stoat Christmas lunch, due to the audacious Squirrels' win of the Spurtnip cup 2003, it was collectively resolved to exorcise its demons. The epicentre of the sudorific defeat has been pinned to lack of match fitness and apathy.



















It has been rumoured that the Badgers have planned a rigorous exercise regime to gain the highly coveted 2004 Cup by imposing, on the players, a year long sex ban with anything (alive or inanimate); a 12 hour daily exercise routine including a bleep test; and a diet that would put a hard-working Paula Radcliffe to shame.

Muttab, the badger's right back, commented that his groin "may not cope" with the new regime. Although at the time of going to press we are not sure which part of the regime he was specifically referring to.

Conspiracies of foul play at the pre-match feast are floating around. Garnazo and Macca have jointly stated that any claims, similar to last year's infamous "poisonings", were a product of Ukrainian-like fabrication, "the badgers live in a fantasy world where everyone is against them. They should confront reality. It's tough being a winning side. And it requires more than luck. We did not put any poison in their food: Agent Orange or otherwise."



















Mugoo, the Badgers' footloose player who's being likened to the modern day Torvill (out of Torvill & Dean) due to his elegance on the pitch, stated: "Let's look at the evidence: Badgers best team in the world before match feast at Bensons (the venue for the pre-match feast): Badgers lose to the squirrels after the feast. The same pattern occurred last year. I ain't saying that they poisoned us, I'll let the facts bare their naked truth." Big Man, the Badgers' imposing striker, organised the feast and stated that "poison wasn't meant for the Badgers". He later retracted the comment saying that, "there was no poison....honest".






















Whatever the reason for the result the match was incredibly entertaining. From the beginning there was a display of flair from Dele, Tie Rack and especially Big Man who's elegant and soft touches reaffirmed him as the "kiddies favourite". Countering this flair was Macca's 100 horsepower body that charged through the heart of the midfield like a pace-maker attached to a cardiac arrest of Linford Christie. Ripping the life outta the right flank was the Hose who's incendiary power extinguished the fire of hope from the Badgers' eyes. With Bo's flailing arms and Teach's relentless defending kept the admiral attack at bay for much of the first half.

Fatigue set in at the end of the second half and the Squrriels, with whips and urinating willies at hand, blasted the badgers back into the woodland with their tremendous goals coming from Tab and the Hose. The expected loss of Debo was not salient from this performance and Garnazo stated, "it'll be hard for him (Debo) to gain a place for next year's final".




















Whatever the line-up for next year's final, the Badgers will not be taking any chances. It is rumoured that they'll be in training in a tropical climate somewhere in south east Asia. As we wave goodbye to 2004, it's going to be a stiff year for the Badgers.

Spurtnip Cup 2004.


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