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The Badgers Football Club

The Badgers Football Club (commonly known as 'The Badgers') are a football club based in the contested and divided territory of Suffolk, England. It was founded in 2003, but has yet to turn professional. The Club plays in Ronseal's Woodland Championship and has appeared in the prestigious Spurtnip Cup final for the last 3 consecutive years.

The club has numerous nicknames: The Badgers; Niveus Nidor; Dele's Meles; and Von Bismarck's Birches. The Ground is known as 'The Sett' and is located near that massive Birch in Bluebell Woods, Suffolk, it has a capacity of 76,000 (including woodland animals but not beasts). The Chairman, Sir Albert Bloodbath, the Manager Terry Nutkins (as of 2006) and the Captain Big Man guide this team with venom and style. The home kit comprises navy blue tops, black shorts and black socks. The away kit is a green top with the same shorts and socks.

History

The club was formed in 2003 and first played at the Spurtnip Cup final 2003. It is testament to the inherent quality of the team that it managed, without having played together as a team, to qualify for this prestigious Cup Final. Some sporting critics, such as Edgar Sideparting, will reason that this precocious side were still 3 years away from even their half realised potential and eerily predicted correctly that the undeserved defeat of 2003 would harm the side's prospects for at least the next 2 years.

Early years - How did it all start?

Historians have poured their minds over the saturated documents of history to define the point of separation between a group of firm friends that resulted in the formation of The Badgers and The Squirrels. In one of her earlier works noted sociologist, Barbara Spreadbridge, describes, amongst other things, interviews with eyewitnesses to a particular disturbing event:

'It appears that one wintry Saturday night over the Christmas of 2002 at around 2am, on the junction where St Andrews Street meets Tayfen Road, Tie-Rack received a vicious blow to the chops. However, he was too inebriated to identify the culprit. Coincidently, we understand that the shady character of Debenham Lacey had been spotted scurrying up St John's Street and running down St Andrew's Street South with a red substance splattered on his Apple-Crumble and Fish T-shirt at a similar time.'





While many were quick to laugh at Tie-Rack for being a 'soft touch', he had his supporters and these were, coincidently, the same individuals who comprised that unbreakable team, The Badgers. Some say that this was the tipping point of the division; others say that this tectonic plate of attrition has existed between the teams through the epochs of countless generations that preceded them due to the ever-predictable age-old issue of territory.

What is not disputed is that, as exemplified from the Wind in the Willows to the poetry of John Clare and Ted Hughes, badgers are at the heart of the natural and cultural history of Britain. They are symbolic of the honourable and dignified characteristics that so define this great nation. Thus it seems befitting that Big Man; Muttab; Dele; Mens; Teach; Po-Po; Toad; Tie-Rack; and The Hose (who was kindly loaned out for two seasons to The Squirrels) should comprise a team that one may say represents the fundamental qualities that defines the English gentleman, the blue-eyed masters of civilisation itself.






At this point it is appropriate to reprint some rallying text that precipitates this year's highly hyped Cup Final.

'... I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their defensive and attacking duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the best arrangements are made, as they are being made, we shall prove ourselves to win The Spurtnip Cup, to ride out the storm of the Squirrels attack, and to outlive the menace of their tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of every Badger on this team.

Even though the Cup has fallen into the grip of the Squirrels and all the odious apparatus of Squirrel rule, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end, we shall play in Suffolk, we shall play on the seas and oceans, we shall play with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our goal, whatever the cost may be, we shall play on the beaches, we shall play on the training grounds, we shall play in the fields and in the streets, we shall play in the hills; we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, our goal or a large part of it were subjected to more goals, then our team beyond the years would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the Spurtnip Cup, with all its power and might, is rightly received into the claws of The Badgers.'

Rivalry - The Pride of Suffolk

Unofficially, a number of clubs in Suffolk vie for being the Pride of Suffolk. Fans of The Badgers, The Squirrels, and Ipswich Town are the most likely to be heard bellowing from their stands, 'Who's the Pride of Suffolk, Ba?' (Incidentally, the corollary verse never fails to be scatlogically related). Football fans, especially The Squirrels', whose fragile egos and own pride are entwined with the status of their club too often judge this imaginary title by criteria such as recent results; league position or club history. But The Badgers' fans are not as crude or irrational as that. No, their criteria is measured by passion, courage, integrity and honour of which The Badgers have had rightful claim to this title for the last 3 successive years.

Badger Team Photos

Player Profiles

Name: Mike 'Bigman' Seker
DOB: Information witheld for security reasons
Occupation: Bar manager
Favoured Position: Forward
Special Skills: Drinking, eating, smoking
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Weight: 17 stone 9 pounds
Previous Clubs: Nightmares FC, Sealey Vikings Club

Name: Derek Webb
DOB: 25/07/1981
Occupation: Student, former Shed Builder
Favoured Position: Goal hanger
Special Skills: Dangerous 50:50's
Height: 6 feet 2 inches
Weight: 12 stone 2 pounds
Previous Clubs: Risby Cubs FC, Southampton Medics FC




Name: Mark Williams
DOB: Debatable
Occupation: Resplendent Classicist
Favoured Position: Midfield
Special Skills: Crossing
Height: 6 feet 2 inches
Weight: 17.4999837960248 pounds
Previous Clubs: Risby School Church of England Voluntary Controlled FC, Westley Middle School A and B teams, Moreton Hall FC



Name: Robert pollard
DOB: Unconfirmed
Occupation: Student
Favoured Position: Defender
Special Skills: Grappling
Height: 6 feet 3 inches
Weight: 12 stone 4 pounds
Previous Clubs: Cockfield Thirds, The Falcon Reserve Squad



Name: Luke Pettett
DOB: 15/10/1980
Occupation: Teacher
Favoured Position: Who knows, some kind of defenderish nonsense (centre back?)
Special Skills: etc.
Height: 6 feet 3 inches
Weight: 11 stone 7 pounds
Previous Clubs: Gardening Club at Westley Middle School



Name: Benjamin James Moffat
DOB: 08/05/1981
Occupation: Plumber/Sex God
Favoured Position: Reserve Cowgirl (Right Back)
Special Skills: Can dig holes with eyes
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Weight: 12 stone 6 pounds
Previous Clubs: Bury St Edmunds RFC



Name: Christopher Peter Wakeling
DOB: 13/05/1981
Occupation: Model and a Medic
Favoured Position: Right Wing
Special Skills: Missing from 6 yards
Height: 6 feet 2 inches
Weight: 78kg
Previous Clubs: Risby Cubs, Hine FC, Barrow Social Club, Bury st Edmunds RUFC, Leicester Medics RUFC



Name: Andrew William Thomson III
DOB: 15/05/1981
Occupation: Firefighter
Favoured Position: Playmaker
Special Skills: Hiding behind trees
Height: 6 feet 3 inches
Weight: 12 stone 4 pounds
Previous Clubs: Risby Cubs, Barrow Social Club First XI, Royal Marines: 23rd Cavalry Regiment Five-a-side team










Footnotes

'Football's Gone Nuts' The Times, 27 December 2003.

'A Study Into The Motivations behind Competition' Oxford Science Journal, July 2004

In Spreadbridge's interviews Muttab stated that he thought the substance was blood, whereas, Macca responded that this was little more than tomato ketchup from a large doner kebab bought from Charlie's and Debenham Lacey was merely running off the excess calories consumed that evening.

'I Did Not Ruin His Modelling Career' Exclusive interview with Macca The Sun, 3 January 2006

'An Unbiased History About Why The Squirrels are better than The Badgers' Harry 'Garnanzo' Garnham, 2006 (A book published by Tree-Top Publishing)

We Shall Play Them On The Beaches, Mens' email to Badgers, 29 November 2006.


Copyright 'The Badger FC' 2003.